Hey—you have something on your lip

The Sunday tabloid article said there’s a thing called The Lipstick Effect. It’s apparently not about how lipstick affects your lips by making them a different color, but about lipstick sales going up when the economy goes down.

The blurb said a recent study attributed this to “the desire to attract a mate with resources,” which made me wonder if, as a man, I’m supposed to regard lipstick as a resource or think that women who wear lipstick have the resources to plunk down $8.99 at Walgreens.

Tres sexy.

And then I realized: Oh, no. Grammatical unclarity. Apparently the study found that women think piling gunk on the old pouter will procure them a billionaire.

Which maybe ain’t so dumb. My own wife almost never wears lipstick, and she procured me. Thirty years later, I’m still several hundred million short of that elusive first bil.

I never was a big fan of lipstick. Yeah, it looked good on Marilyn Monroe. But it also reeked of strawberry on my first junior-high girlfriend. I hate strawberries. Everything about them. But I was fourteen and craved nookie, so I tolerated that girl for three whole months.

But that’s just me. Am I alone? My ridiculously shallow and incomplete online research tells me I’m not.

“Ladies, please—enough with the makeup and nails,” one Tristian Wolf of Cocoa, Florida, said in response to a post on The Thread blog on Yahoo. “I have never have had a friend poke me and say, “Wow that girl’s lipstick makes her look hot.’”

Down with that, bro. More to the point, a YourTango.com blog post dared to ask, “Do men like the bold, bright lipstick trend for the spring season?” I guarantee this is how 99.9% of men answered: “There’s such a thing as seasonal lipstick trends?”

The author, Jenna Birch, went on to say that while it’s “fun (for her) to work a smoldering red pout or statement deep-pink now and then, I wondered if guys would be quite as crazy about this bold beauty trend. So, I asked a few. And what did they say? In a word (or two): Not exactly. Most said they liked a natural, minimally prettified, look best on female lips—I'm talkin' Chapstick, light pink or clear gloss only. A couple guys even confessed to adoring absolutely nothing on a gal's pout.”

Absolutely nothing on a gal. No need to say more—but she did, anyway, concluding that, “It seems guys really do appreciate our natural beauty.”

On the other hand, HowStuffWorks.com takes a typically guy approach by laying it all on the gals. “One theory says lipstick emphasizes a woman's sexuality,” the site says. “By amping up the color of the lips, a woman is subconsciously echoing the color of her vaginal lips, or labia, in an effort attract attention from men.”

Funny. Since men think about those things consciously, you’d think women would have some idea.

On the other hand, the article continues, some women may refuse to wear lipstick because they consider it a “patriarchal trap.”

Could be. But in Mary Jo’s case, I’m gonna say it’s because she looks good without it. And she knows she does, cuz I tell her.

But, I have to admit there are two more things I appreciate about her naked lips. First, that she’s never thinking, “The Dow is down—I’d better scrape up $8.99 and hustle over to Walgreen’s.”

And, second, that her face doesn’t smell anything like strawberries.

Men reading a romance

The other day a woman asked Mary Jo if my football-watching buddies knew I wrote a romance novel.

“Of course,” she answered, “and they think it’s pretty cool.”

Which they do. No surprise there—why would I be friends with guys who think it’s not cool for a guy to write a romance novel?

But do they read romance novels? Not that I can tell. It’s something a guy might not feel comfortable telling another guy, no matter how many Brett Favre interceptions they endured together.

I’m guessing, though, that these guys don’t read romance. One of them is a magazine editor who tweets often about the depths of whatever non-fiction book he’s plumbing. Another is a financial advisor who prefers reading—well, I don’t know what he prefers. He never says.

The statistics reveal my buddies are regular guys. According to Business of Consumer Book Publishing 2011, women buy about two out of every three books sold in the U.S. Narrow that down to romance, and it’s nine out of ten. Even then, no one knows how many of those ten-percenters are just guys buying gifts for their sweethearts and moms.

But should regular guys read romance novels?

Quoting an Iowa lawyer in 2009, the New York Times said, “Given the general dismay and gloominess, reading something like a romance with a happy ending is really kind of a relief.”

That ain’t “guy,” according to Eve, who commented on the Baltimore Sun's Read Street blog. “Most females I know live in a sort of fantasy world. They use novels to escape their daily lives and live through the characters. Are men more reality centered? Would they rather learn about facts than about fantasy? Or live out their fantasies through video games instead of reading?”

Patrick begged to differ. “Novels are about emotions—not the long suit of most males,” he wrote. “The words ‘let's talk’ grab a woman's attention but send a man scurrying in search of a place to hide, unless the talk is about business or sports.”

Stacy said she knew men who were getting into erotic romances. I found no stats on that, but when I was presenting at a writers conference a few weeks ago, it was a guy who asked me to read “one of the racy parts” of Fast Lane.

Hot women and sex: Two reasons for men to read romance.

In a post on L.A. Dale's blog, though, romance author Nicky Wells supplies other reasons: “Everyone loves a happy ending. Everyone wants to be loved. Everyone is looking for that special someone in their life. Why should men not enjoy a romantic novel?”

Furthermore, she says male readers tell her they take kind of a non-fiction approach to the genre, looking for insight into the wiles of womankind. “It makes sense,” Wells says. “Don’t we spell out, at great pains, all the things that annoy the heroine about her boyfriend/lover/fiancé/husband/ex?”

Right.

“The clever man,” Wells concludes, “will read romance as a ‘how to’ manual, a deep and meaningful insight into the female psyche. Even if our seeming erratic behaviour or overly emotional responses continue to perplex the male reader, at the very least he takes away the comforting knowledge that his beloved is quite normal and does like to be told that she is beautiful and loved. Every day. Several times.”

Still, Wells understands men who read romance aren’t likely to talk about it or “be seen holding a romantic novel in their hands during their lunch break at work. It’s just not the done thing.”

But on a rainy autumn Sunday, with a warm bowl of chili in my lap and a cold beer in my hand, I can relax knowing that with Brett Favre retired, the next pass is not likely to be intercepted. And that my buds on the couch don’t just accept my having written a romance. They’re thinking, “That guy wrote a romance. Pretty fuckin’ cool.”

You gotta lotta ’splainin’ to do, MJ Williams

ManWAR focuses on romance, but mystery can be romantic—and the lovin’ kind of romance can blend quite nicely with tales of mayhem and murder.

The lovin’ kind of romance in MJ Williams’ novel On the Road to Death’s Door is understated, found mostly in the subtext of the relationship between its retired RVing heroes, longtime married couple Emily and Stan Remington.

I asked MJ—really Peggy Williams, part of the writing team of sisters-in-law Peggy Williams and Mary Joy Johnson—to ’splain some of the complexities of writing about love and death.

There’s not a lot of overt romance in On the Road to Death’s Door, but when Emily and Stan are talking about their plan to travel non-stop, their friend Malcolm says, “Non-stop except for a little diversion at Niagara Falls, perhaps?” That’s kind of romance-y. I mean, Emily and Stan still have a little of the ol’ je nais se quoi going, no?

Emily and Stan definitely have je nais se quoi. But the last several of their working years found them—like many of us—busy and distracted. Their new lifestyle on the road gives them the opportunity to revisit and renew their relationship.

In fact, in Death's Door, they manage time for a little afternoon delight before chaos ensues. That's one of the advantages they find traveling in an RV. They also manage a little nuzzling on a romantic, moon-lit sail. Of course, it’s also very romantic that Emily worries about losing Stan when she realizes that he’s been entrapped by the villain.

Is it difficult to work romance into books about solving murders? Do you think you’ll work a little more into the follow-ups?

The role of romance and sex in mysteries is an ongoing discussion topic among mystery writers. But readers want to get to know the characters, and that includes the romantic aspects of their lives. As with any series, we expect the characters to grow and change.

In the beginning of the On the Road… series, since this couple is newly retired, it's only natural that they grow romantically. But relationships are never smooth, no matter how long a couple has been together. Future books will delve into Emily and Stan's relationship both with romance and romantic conflict.

Will that mesh with murder and mayhem? Well, the point is that it doesn't. That's what makes life and storytelling interesting.

Panties are a big deal here at ManWAR. You do know you mention panties in Death's Door, right?

Ah, yes. "She used a second towel to tousle her wet hair. After running a comb through the soft curls, she slipped into the bra and panties she’d worn the day before." Emily might be of a certain age, but she's still very much a woman, as Stan would be the first to admit.

This is my favorite passage, speaking of Emily:

She swiped at her lips with the back of her hand. The heat was rising inside her. "Two guys from the house where I bought it rolled it up and hauled it up top.” Suddenly she stood up and ripped at her sweatshirt, unzipping it part way but pulling it over her head before she could finish, fighting to keep her blouse from riding up with it. Then she sat back down and calmly folded the sweatshirt, setting it on the bench next to her.

The sheriff stared at her, at a loss for words.

"Hot flash," Emily said with a smile.

So, yes, Emily is a woman of a certain age, but that brings with it its own kind of sexiness and we have lots of fun with that.

It is true. No matter what certain age we are, we all like to have fun with sexiness.


Mary Joy Johnson is a retired college professor and professional quilter. Peggy Williams is an elementary school teacher and freelance writer. On the Road to Death's Door is the first in a mystery series featuring Emily and Stan Remington and their RV adventures. Both writers live in Madison, Wisconsin.

For crying out loud

Someone on Facebook asked what movies made people cry. The length of my list nearly brought tears to my eyes.

I’m not talking about balls-on bawling. Just, you know, that choked-up feeling that might cause a guy to reach under his glasses and fake like he’s scratching his cheek.

The list does not include “Brian’s Song.” Or “Bambi.” Or any part of any movie where the audience is supposed to think, “It’s so sad—these two are made for each other, but they’ll never be together.” They’re always going to be together. Except in “Ghost.”

Here’s what the list does include:

“It’s a Wonderful Life,” when George Bailey comes home on Christmas Eve after searching for the building and loan’s “lost” money and kicks over his model bridges. His youthful dreams are dead, and it looks like the thing he’s doing instead is about to end very badly. How can you not shed a tear?

“A Charlie Brown Christmas,” when Linus steps to center stage and says, “Lights, please.” His subsequent recitation of the nativity story from the Gospel of Luke is, as far as I’m concerned, the finest 33 seconds of TV ever. But just those first two words get my waterworks flowing, because I remember my son, Gus, imitating that line when he was five.

“It’s the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown,” when Lucy fishes Linus out of the pumpkin patch, carries him home and tucks him into bed. Lucy’s a bitch and Linus has been a blockhead, but how much Lucy cares about her little brother is as touching as it gets.

“Mr. Magoo’s Christmas Carol,” when Magoo, as Scrooge, sings “Alone in the World” after the Ghost of Christmas Past takes him back to a childhood holiday spent apart from family. A little kid lamenting being alone at Christmas, with his grownup self providing sorrowful harmonies. If that doesn’t water your eyelids, you’re a Grinch with a heart two sizes too small.

“The Full Monty,” when the unemployed boss, played by Tom Wilkinson, confronts unemployed workers who’d punk’d him into blowing an interview for a job that would have left him underemployed and underpaid. “Why did you do it?” he says, breaking down. “That job was mine.” Why does he want the job if it’s so crummy? He’s been faking going to work for weeks because he thinks losing his position will diminish him in the eyes of his wife.

I added a new one to the list last week, when Mary Jo and I watched “Up.” It’s not when Carl’s wife, Ellie, dies that got me. It was just before that, when Carl realizes they had never fulfilled her dream of traveling to the wilds of South America. He’s a cartoon, for Pete’s sake, but you can see the mix of emotions on his face: Regret. Inadequacy. Shame. He’s thinking, “She could have lived her dream, but instead she was stuck all these years with a schlub like me.”

Yeah, guys can get to thinking stuff like that. Way down deep there’s a mushy core made of sentimental goo that sometimes gushes forth with empathy, heartache and love.

Even if it only looks like we have itchy cheeks.