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Monday, May 12, 2014

It's in his kiss (that's where it is, shoop shoop)

A headline on a TV at the gym said, “Michael Sam kiss ignites firestorm.” Michael Sam is a University of Missouri football player, and after the St. Louis Rams drafted him, he kissed his boyfriend.

This should not have surprised anyone, since Sam said several months ago that he’s gay. Apparently, though, some people would have been more comfortable if Sam had kicked back in a hot tub filled with bootylicious silicone-enhanced persons of the female variety instead of hanging out with his boyfriend.

But—wait! Why have Sam in the tub at all? Because if upon hearing the announcement, the bootylicious ones started French kissing, removing each other’s tops and smearing chocolate syrup all over their breasts, that would have been awesome!

Instead, we got a peck on the lips and a hug. Pretty lame.

Admit it: There is not a man among you (and, I know, if you’re reading this, you’re probably not a man, but go with it for second) who doesn’t like to sneak a peek at some girl-on-girl action now and then. It’s only when dudes get physical that things get creepy, as one tweeter quoted by CNN demonstrated: “Any straight person who says Michael Sam/bf kiss pic doesn’t look disgusting can't pass a lie detector test while saying.”

I get that. But I’m not talking about porn here. I’m talking about a college kid who was so excited about hearing his name called that he burst into tears and celebrated the moment with another human being. A person who right now may just be the most important person in his life.

One twitterer CNN quoted called the pic “horrible.” To which I say, “Are you fucking kidding me?”

I immediately recalled a conversation in college with a guy who objected to my owning Elton John records. “He’s a fag,” the guy said as his sole argument for expunging the bespectacled one from my collection. My rationale for doing the opposite was that “Saturday Night’s All Right for Fighting” and “The Bitch Is Back” kicked ass.

The guy admitted that he had liked those songs, as well as the kind of girly “Your Song”—until he realized that the one who’d made the singer’s life so wonderful just by being in the world might be male instead of female. So offended was this guy that he lined up all his Elton LPs in his driveway and ran them over with his father’s Oldsmobile.

Problem solved.

Except that there was no problem. Does it matter who Elton John may have been thinking of while he was singing? Do his songs speak to you? Do they rock?

Elton—and his heterosexual lyricist Bernie Taupin—weren’t trying to change the world, just trying to make music people liked. Likewise, Michael Sam wasn’t trying to turn anyone on, make a political statement or convince anyone to “go gay.” He was just being…human.

Another player selected in the NFL draft celebrated by snapping a selfie with NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell. A big-time athlete who’s really into himself? No firestorm over that. But Michael Sam demonstrates he’s capable of loving another person, and it’s time to set the web aflame.

Not flaming, though. You’d have to drive an Oldsmobile over the entire Internet, and Oldsmobile disappeared years ago. It’s time for hateful tweets about loving homosexuals to do the same.